The Pants Baron #4 or so!
By Nats and Balefire!
It only goes downhill from here…
The Pants Baron fixed the belt on his face-pants and then turned to the camera. "Hello, planet Earth. As you may have heard, I've taken the world's greatest super-hero's pants hostage. With them, I control all their powers. That, and my army of pantalunatics, gives me a distinct advantage over the armies of the world. I own your trousers, people...and soon I will own you. Top o' the world, ma!"
"You know any way we could get out of here?" Messenger asked from under a pile of pantalunatics, some of which definitely hadn't been washed in the last few weeks.
"Not really," replied the Dark Knight, who found himself in a similar predicament. "I would try to perform some kind of mysterious inexplicable escape if we weren't on national television."
Messenger grimaced. "Where the hell is Balefire? What happened to his big plan?"
The Dark Knight also grimaced, to prevent Messy from stealing his grimacing bit. "I'm afraid he might've duped us. I mean, duping you I could understand, but me...?"
"Do you mind?" The Pants Baron interrupted the two. "I'm trying to finish taping this so I can sound intimidating to everyone in the world. And what's this about Balefire? I thought you guys were working alone."
"Oh don't worry, we are," Messenger replied. "The jerk probably double-crossed us, seeing as he and Tedites were supposed to storm the place half-an-hour ago."
***
Nats woke up. Slowly, this time, wondering where he was. Then he remembered. "Please tell me those Ted-guys left..."
"Oh, we are still here, orange one," replied a Tedite, standing over him. "I was left to keep watch over you while you were sleeping."
"Um...okay. Where's the rest of the gang?"
"Your friends Messenger and the Dark Knight have gone ahead against the Pants Baron whilst Balefire goes to get more help."
"And they left me here with you? Figures. Well, what to I call you? I mean, I can't keep calling you one of those Ted guys can I? And what am I supposed to be doing now?" Nats asked.
"He is *The* Ted, not just a Ted," said the Tedite. "In honor of The Great The Ted, we have all re-named ourselves Ted. You could also call me member #04041 if you so wish..."
Nats nodded. "Alright, 04...4... Ted. So what exactly *is* The Ted?"
"The Ted, is our all powerful master. He knows all, he sees all, and he has created all. You have yet to accept this fact," Ted #04041 began. "Some say that The Ted is the creator of all things, the master of destiny. Others that he is God. Both are correct in a sense. We members of the inner-circle of Ted know the full truth."
"The full truth?" Nats repeated.
"And nothing but the truth," said Ted.
"Right. And that'd be?"
"That'd be the all-powerful knowledge of exactly what the universe is and what it was created from," #04041 replied.
"Right," Nats agreed, finally having given up any last shred of sanity within him. "So, you know I'm conscious and stuff now. Shouldn't we be out doing the hero thing?"
"You see," Ted continued, ignoring him, "The Ted is the designer of the universe. For we believe that somewhere out beyond the universe, The Ted lies in a coma, and we are nothing but his dreamstuff. He is our creator and life-giver, as long as he sleeps."
Nats debated knocking himself unconscious but decided against it; he'd had enough concussions recently.
"Just wondering, but why are you telling me your order's highest ranking secrets that are only known to a select few?" Nats asked him, hoping that the answer didn't involve bodily dismemberment or mind-control.
"Oh, I was just bored. I mean, worshipping the all powerful The Ted and stuff is alright, but they stuck me here with you while everyone else went off to take down the Pants Baron."
"They went without me?" Nats protested.
"Well, duh. I mean, look at you. You've got a lump the size of an egg on your skull. Anyway, you didn't let me finish. We also believe there's a representation of The Ted in our dream-world; The Ted Avatar, if you will. We must find this The Ted Avatar, and he will lead our dream-world to greatness and perfection."
"So, umm... you're sure that's it?" Nats wondered, deciding it was time to change the subject. "So what exactly are we supposed to be doing now."
"How am I supposed to know?" Ted #04041 responded. "I'm only Ted #04041! Try asking Ted #03406, or Ted #01130, or Ted #12."
"There's a Ted #12?" Nats asked.
Not that the conversation wasn't interesting, but Nats had discovered that things weren't really going anywhere. Unfortunately that was about all he got around to deciding before he, and Ted #04041 were knocked unconscious.
***
"So...you're a Pope, huh?" Balefire ventured, breaking the ice.
"Yes," said the Pope dressed in bright gold rainments. "I'm Anglican Pope."
"Ahh." Balefire had come to seek the counsel and aid of the Council of Cross-Religion Popes. He'd never guessed they were so...odd.
"So whose in charge of your little group?" Balefire asked the assembled group of religious avatars.
"That would be me," the central figure said, rising to his feet. "You can call me The Pope. I'm the head of the catholic faith."
"Wait a minute I thought John Paul was the Pope. You don't look anything like him."
"No, no, I'm Pope George Ringo IV. You must not be up on current events," the Catholic Pope said. "I'd like to introduce you to some of the other fellows." He continued on, motioning to other oddly-dressed members of the papal council.
"You've met Anglican Pope, leader of the Church of England. This is Jewish Pope, who's self-explanatory. Next we have Disco Pope..."
Balefire scoffed. "Disco's not a religion!"
"It is to some people," Disco Pope replied. "Now boogie down!"
"Wait a minute," Balefire interrupted. "I may give you Disco, but Train Conducting definitely isn't a religion."
"Hmm, I guess you're right," Ringo IV was forced to agree. "Don't really know why we have a Train Conductor Pope. That fact aside, we'll move on to one of the lesser know popes, Spider Pope."
Spider Pope scaled up a wall and hissed at the Pope and super-villain.
"...I'm still confused..." Balefire said.
"All in due time," his tour guide Pope told him, and then introduced him to Buddha Pope and Hindu Pope.
"How many Popes are there?" Balefire asked.
"A durn-tootin' lot," Hillbilly Pope grinned through his three teeth.
"Actually, we have a Pope for nearly every major religious, social, economical or recreational belief system." Catholic Pope elaborated. "The ones which you see here make up our upper and lower councils of cross-religion popes."
"Darn kids! Back when I was your age, we had respect for our elders. We had to walk fifteen miles to get.... wait a minute, where am I?" A seemingly elderly man began shouting at the end of the hallway.
"And he would be?" Balefire asked.
"Oh that's old Pope." The Pope explained. "He's not actually old, though. He just embodies the very idea of being old. Old Pope is actually 27 years old, but he's convinced himself that he has Alzheimer's and we can never get to the end of the explanation before he forgets where he is again."
"Okay, I've seen enough Popes," Balefire decided.
Irish Pope frowned. "Aww...they always quit before they get ta me! And I had my shillelagh and everything..." Scottish Pope tried to cheer him up.
"So what did you come to ask of us, my son?" Mormon Pope asked.
“Well if I had more time I would ask what the little kid and hat are doing to the giant animate musical note but-"
"That's Kid Pope and Pope Hat playing with the team mascot Notey," Catholic Pope explained.
"Alrighty then. But as I was going to say, an evil being of untold power, by the way no offense meant Anti-Christ Pope, has emerged and has began stealing the pants of various heroes and villains throughout the Parodyverse. He doesn't seem all that powerful, but now that he has Captain Astounding's pants and his ability to hold his arm at shoulder length for extended periods of time, there's no telling what evil deeds he can perform."
Another Pope, who seemed to be fading in and out of existence nodded. "I see," he said.
"Um, which one are you?" asked Balefire.
"I'm Atheist Pope," said Atheist Pope.
"How can you be a Pope if you don't believe in God or religion?"
Atheist Pope shrugged. "It's a paying gig. And all I have to do is not believe in myself." He faded out, and then back in.
"Right," Balefire said.
"Well this is easily one of the most odd and disturbing conversations I've ever been in," Balefire decided. "Despite how much I want to keep going on this note, perhaps it's time we moved to the more important, world threatening situation?"
"Right, Right," said Fishbowl-for-a-Head-Robot Pope. "And what situation would that be?"
Balefire screamed in anger. Monkey Pope tried to calm him down.
***
"So you see, your friends' plans will never work. I know exactly what they're planning," the Pants Baron said as he ejected the tape from his VCR.
“How did you get that?" Messenger growled at the Baron.
"Simple my friend. Your allies aren't all whom they appear to be. Though most of them don't realize it, this fight won't be nearly as easy as they expect. They have a traitor in their midst."
***
"So that's it," Balefire finished. "Are you going to help me fight the Pants Baron or not?"
"I dunno," Jehovah Witness Pope said. "We could use a Pants Pope."
Catholic Pope hit him with his staff. "I think we will take up your cause," he told Balefire. "On one condition."
"Oh?" the evil super-genius said. "And what is that?"
"That you join us...and become a Pope!"
To be continued!
Next issue: Um…a big fight, or something. And Nats will probably be knocked unconscious.
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